My Big “Why”!

Early on in our lives, Tammy and I began working with students in our home church. As we got to know them and they began to open up we noticed a common thread in the way the “healthy” kids were parented. They had a good transparent relationship with one or both of their parents. They had values that were instilled in them and expressed as a family. And the family loved being together.

While we were raising our own kids, these things were at the forefront of our parenting. During this time we began a young marrieds group. Through that class we developed some great friendships. Because most of us had small children we studied and learned how to parent together. By the time we were 25, we had three kids four years of age and younger. Life was busy. As we began implementing in our own family the traits we saw in the healthy kids of our youth ministry, we began to share these with our young married group. We talked about reading good books to our kids, praying with them at bedtime. How we focused as a couple on loving each other well in front of our kids. We sat around campfires in our backyard and asked questions to our kids prompting them to encourage and build each other up. We ate meals around our table and talked about values, memorized scripture and talked alot about the golden rule, and how a family was like a team, with all of us sharing in the responsibilities.

Together with our young married friends we began to discuss how to create a health marriage. As our marriage grew our parenting improved as well. We learned that a healthy marriage only reinforced and strengthened the family.

As we continued building our student ministry, we learned how to create a Description of a Discipled Student. It was a blueprint of sorts for our ministry. We asked the question, “If we had a student stay with us from their junior high days all the way to graduation, what would we want them to look like?” We listed out what we would want them to know. How we wanted them to think. What attitudes we thought they needed to have and what their behavior would look like. Once we had that clearly laid out, we simply reversed engineered that into actionable steps that we could do at each phase in the journey. We built our studies around that as well as our retreats, activities, and hang out times.

One afternoon, my oldest son, who was 15 yrs old and a sophomore in high school, came into my study, plopped down in a chair, and started telling me about his day. After a bit, he jumped up, said, “Well, I love you Dad!” and bounced out of the room. I sat there for a minute and could feel this slight panic ease up my spine. It’s hard to explain the emotion that came over me. He was a good kid, but I think in that moment, it was the first time that I realized we were only a few years from him heading off to college. Panic began to set in. I felt as though I hadn’t taught him anything. That we didn’t get to travel together like I had hoped. It felt like time was being compressed. After I settled down a little bit, and went back to studying, but there was still this sadness.

Now I’m sure every parent goes through this...but I had to figure out a way to redeem the time. After a few weeks of this, it hit me. I should craft a description of a discipled son. I got out a notebook and began to craft things I needed to teach him, trips I wanted to take, and scripture I wanted to get into his spirit. Those last years at home, proved to be invaluable. We took a trip to India for a couple of weeks, I taught at the college there and he took pictures. I read books to him, we talked about values in an intentional way. I realized then the magic of creating a directional blueprint for parenting, for marriage, for any relationship really.

We had planted a church and it was growing rapidly. People would ask us about parenting, and marriage. We began doing small groups and workshops, and sermon series on these every year. We saw great success in both of those areas. We discovered that everyone wants a good marriage, and they want to raise good kids. Most people need to look in the rearview mirror to catch a glimpse of their past and the baggage they may be bringing into the marriage and family. Then they need to envision what they want in a marriage, and in parenting. With that blueprint written down the only thing left is creating directional steps and action plans to get there.

As we have gotten older and have grandchildren and a 40 yr plus marriage that is vibrant and healthy we want to impact those who are coming along behind us. Which is why we have created BeRefreshed. We want to take what we have discovered through trial and error what works and help others in the area of marriage, parenting and soul, to give them tools, a healthy mindset to generate a hope-filled, simplified path so that in these three areas they feel confident and refreshed.